The Uselessness Continues

Some people will give you that cliche, "Oh, you don't know x until you have a baby!"

And it's patronizing, but I have a twist on it for you.

You will never realize how much useless crap is for sale until you have a baby.

Witness first the Boon Dispensing Spoon. You screw the spoon onto the pouch to feed baby. It also comes in a friendly one-piece version, called The Squirt, which allows you to add your own food to the handle of the spoon. Really, how ever did we manage to feed our babies while out and about without these genius devices?

My question is, why do you need the spoon part, if you can just squeeze the food into your kid?

Admittedly, Boon does make some neat things. Mostly, they're in weird shapes to appeal to the design-conscious parent, I suppose.

Next up is the Kickbee. It "tweets" when your baby kicks.

So, it's like the fetal monitoring belts they make you wear in Labour & Delivery in the hospital.... except with Twitter! Truly, I need to call the hospitals about offering the Twitter service with their monitoring belts. Imagine, everyone could follow your excruciating contraction Tweets! And, hospitals could make money off of this service, I'm sure - which would certainly help ease the healthcare crisis.

Then there's this classic, the Babykeeper.

Yes, you just heard my head exploding. It's a Crotch Dangler. That hangs over the door of a bathroom stall. Or changing room stall. Or any door, I suppose.

Can't you just imagine all the idiots out there who would toss the kiddo into this when he/she is having a screaming fit at home, just to get them outta the way?

And this just freaks me out: the Zaky pillow.

This thing is $45 or more, and it looks like Thing from The Addams Family. Yes, yes, designed by a mom, mimics hands of an adult, possibly good for preemies... But seriously? Hand pillows?

They're just creepy.

On top of all this useless shit, are the unsafe products that every baby registry out there tells you that you need. Or rather, that your baby needs. Because if they don't have one, then you're a bad parent. And cheap.

Like bumper pads for cribs, which have been linked with an increased likelihood or risk of SIDS. So-called non-slip mats for car seats, and mats that prevent the carseat from marking the upholstery (talk to me in three years, when the upholstery is covered in apple sauce, mortar-like cookie-saliva paste and other unknowns), which can interfere with the proper positioning and securing of the car seat. Bunting bags that fit into the car seat, which can cause the car seat harness to not work properly in the event of an accident or impact.

Really, this is all about consumerism, except they're now preying on our Guilt for the marketing. How easy was that - to harness the guilt we make for ourselves, to get us to buy this crap? "Green Guilt" over having been born at all, which drives people to buy organic Pacific Ocean shrimp (I guess because they are an organism?). And if you feel that guilty about the environment, you'd think twice before buying yet another piece of plastic that will probably end up in the garbage or a garage sale. Exo tax for Ontario, you say? I say, stop these companies from making this plastic junk, and we'll be faring a lot better with the enviro.

Our babies will be deprived if they don't have a $350 high chair. A desire for convenience, perhaps? Or the "having it all" syndrome - to have the kids but make sure they are seen and not heard (or hanging on the back of the door and unseen, I guess). Or maybe it's about wanting and having it all, but not wanting - or having - the bloody energy to take care of it all. Guilt, greed and laziness, then.

I get that there are things that we need and it varies from parent to parent, family to family, and that in some cases, quality is important and prices can get high, but might be worth it. We "needed" a good stroller, because we do a lot of walking on all kinds of terrain. We "needed" a good infant carrier, because I love having Leah close to me; I believe it helps in bonding and attachment, and I wanted it to be comfortable for both of us. I "needed" a fancy diaper bag, because I'm a Bag Lady. And I'm sure some people find these items useful and even necessary. But do you really, really, really need a squirty baby food spoon, and a hanger for your baby, and hand-shaped pillows?

It's just all become so complicated. And expensive. And I don't think it's any better. I think it's all a little sad, really.

With all of the things that you "need" - you can have that baby, and never really have to hold them again, because there's a seat (and Babykeeper) for every mood and moment. And with handy gadgets like a video monitoring system (gone are the days when you could be satisfied with simply listening for your baby) - you can put them down and watch them from the kitchen, without even having to be near the little loveys!

And I felt guilty for using naptime to read, play with photos and have a coffee. I could have been doing that all day, while Leah entertains herself in a rotation of chairs and seats and activity mats and bouncers, and I check in on the video monitor like a security guard.

And I could just squirt her food into her from ten paces! Genius.